I left the person I thought was the one for me a little over two months ago. I thought giving up on a relationship was failure and that any relationship could be fixed if two people worked hard enough on it. But the harder we worked at it, the more divided we became. When we met I was drunk, unmotivated, desperately depressed and drifting aimlessly through life. He was seemingly confident, more put together, and intensely interested in helping me improve my life and being with me. We had so much in common, most of it unhealthy for me in the end. Somewhere in the almost two years we were together I changed into someone I recognized as a stronger, more committed woman, with clearer values and bigger dreams. They just didn't happen to be the same values or dreams as his.
There were lies and betrayals. My confidence and faith in the relationship plummeted slowly over time. I became bitter and angry at how things has turned out. We were supposed to be happy and healthy together. Instead we fought constantly. There were power struggles and accusations, suspicion and jealousy. It had to end. I had to walk away. I didn't want to. In fact, after I ended it, I begged to stay. He said no, so I stood up, brushed myself off, and went through the motions of leaving my life and a broken, yet beloved relationship behind me.
When I left, two of my best girlfriends deleted all the photos of us, unfriended and blocked him on social media (this was very important because I am
very active on messengers, Facebook, blogs, etc), and packed me up and moved me to another friend's house. I collapsed under the weight and pressure of the powerlessness and loss of the only stability I had known in my life: our relationship. I cried day and night, at work, in class, and at the place I was staying. I couldn't keep food down for weeks. I lost ten, twenty, then thirty pounds. I missed my ex and I wanted to go back home, no matter how unhealthy home was. I needed love and protection. I had to crawl out of the hole where I spent my days. I went to the clinic on my school's campus and had a breakdown in the doctor's office, told her everything that had happened and about how I thought I was losing my mind. She sent me home with medication and advice to see a therapist. I took the medicine, booked extra appointments with my therapist, and slowly felt better and better. I got my appetite back, ended the semester with all A's, found the energy to get a weekend job working with the public (for some MUCH needed social interaction), started seeing my friends and family more, and decided it was time to take the 30 pounds I lost as a result of heartache and turn it into the catalyst for a new commitment to my health.
This blog is about tracking my progress both in body and mind. It's also about staying accountable, although surprisingly I haven't missed a gym day that I didn't make up for almost immediately. I'm using an app called Bod Bot, which touts itself as a personal trainer, nutritionist, and coach for free (although you have to pay for the meal plans). I'm seeing and feeling changes in my body. There are still days where I don't think I can make it through all the tasks and obligations without crying or crumbling in confusion, anger, frustration, anxiety, or sadness (or a mixture of all of these feelings). But workout by workout, day by day, goal by goal, and commitment by commitment, I get stronger and happier. Gaining confidence and healing from decades of low self esteem and poor mental and physical health (depression, surviving sexual assault, addiction, anxiety, a brain tumor...) has not been been a linear process. It's scattered, powerful, and messy as hell. But I'm doing this for me and I
WILL succeed.
This is my first gym selfie after 27 pounds difference in weight from two months ago until last Friday (183 lbs to 156 lbs) and two weeks of weight lifting and cardio. I will continue to post photos of progress (which I am not measuring by weight lost since muscle adds weight) in inches lost off my waist, clothing size, and by appearance. I won't be happy until I have abs! :P
From March 16th until today I went from a 36 inch waist line to a 31 inch waist line and from a size 12 pant-size to a size 10.
