Progress, Not Perfection

I rarely measure my progress in..."measurable" ways (inches, pounds, etc...). I measure my progress in how I feel about my body and in my body and the small and big changes I see in it. I started off  using the Bod Bot personal trainer app and just getting in the gym as often as I could to do weight training and cardio. Since the last time I posted (a little over a month ago), I have also started finding every occasion possible to work out with friends. One of my good friends, Ryan, and I hang out once a week for some exercises of various kinds (last week it was 50 burpees!) and usually eat a healthy meal together after that. I also measure my progress in slowly lifting heavier weights and challenging myself a little more with the exercises I do from the Bod Bot app. I made a conscious decision to not take Summer classes due to some major life changes (the breakup of a two-year relationship and moving to Edmond, Oklahoma to be closer to my two jobs and school). I also wanted to take the Summer to start learning more about fitness and managing my finances. Both of these endeavors have proven fruitful. I pick 2-4 days to go to the gym, usually during my lunch break at work. This habit will definitely have to change when the Fall semester starts. I will be working two jobs and going to school full time, which will mean I will struggle to squeeze in super efficient workouts and meal prepping (very important to seeing results in fitness, I have learned).

Here is my most recent progress pic. What I have noticed while taking these is 1) I am terrible at taking progress pics and 2) As I begin to see more definite changes in my body, it doesn't really matter from what angle I take the photo...I just look better. I did take some measurements this weekend shortly before this photo. The hard numbers: down from 184 lbs in March 2016 to 152 lbs in June 2016. Waistline previously 37 inches in March 2016, now measures 29 inches in June 2016. Boom!

And for funsies, here are some things all girls learn when adopting a lifting/fitness lifestyle:

1) You will begin to feel more at home in your gym clothes than in any other clothes and will find weird and wacky ways to get away with wearing them in the office or to the grocery store. For example, this weird compression leggings/big dress/suit jacket combo I found myself rocking this week:

2)  You will notice how banging you look in a dress one day and you will do awkward bathroom selfies just to capture the moment of progress. In fact, you will take lots of awkward selfies because you won't believe how much better you look and feel and you will want proof.

 3) You will start to take picture of gross/awesome/embarrassing gym moments, like the disgusting moment you had to wipe up someone's knee sweat in order to use the guided pull-up bar machine thing. GROSS.

4) If you lift during your lunch break and you also work in an office, this is what your desk will look like pretty much at all times:

 5) You will begin to love healthy food more than you love most people and you will get REALLY excited about it. Oh yes you will.

 

6) Humorous and motivational fitness memes will become a way of life and the thing that pulls you out of a funk and reminds you of your damn purpose.

 

 

Okay, that's it for now. If any reader's have questions, tips, or comments, please leave them in the comment section below. :)

 

Pre-Workout and Other Supplements

Today is the first time I used a pre-workout and let me tell you...I AM PLEASED! I went into GNC to get advice about a pre-workout last night and ended up leaving with Cardio Cuts Razz Lemonade flavored pre-workout. I'm not going to lie and tell you it's cheap. But it's worth it. It made my routine in the weight room today a breeze. In fact, I felt so good I walked up to a buff hottie and asked him to show me how to use a machine! Ha! And, as you can see in the second photo, it gave me a mad post-workout glow! I am also using whey protein isolate for muscle repair. Please leave any recommendations for supplements in the comments section below. I am trying to build a lean, muscular, strong body.

That post workout glow though!

How it sometimes begins with an ending...

I left the person I thought was the one for me a little over two months ago. I thought giving up on a relationship was failure and that any relationship could be fixed if two people worked hard enough on it. But the harder we worked at it, the more divided we became. When we met I  was drunk, unmotivated, desperately depressed and drifting aimlessly through life. He was seemingly confident, more put together, and intensely interested in helping me improve my life and being with me. We had so much in common, most of it unhealthy for me in the end. Somewhere in the almost two years we were together I changed into someone I recognized as a stronger, more committed woman, with clearer values and bigger dreams. They just didn't happen to be the same values or dreams as his.

There were lies and betrayals. My confidence and faith in the relationship plummeted slowly over time. I became bitter and angry at how things has turned out. We were supposed to be happy and healthy together. Instead we fought constantly. There were power struggles and accusations, suspicion and jealousy. It had to end. I had to walk away. I didn't want to. In fact, after I ended it, I begged to stay. He said no, so I stood up, brushed myself off, and went through the motions of leaving my life and a broken, yet beloved relationship behind me.

When I left, two of my best girlfriends deleted all the photos of us, unfriended and blocked him on social media (this was very important because I am very active on messengers, Facebook, blogs, etc), and packed me up and moved me to another friend's house. I collapsed under the weight and pressure of the powerlessness and loss of the only stability I had known in my life: our relationship. I cried day and night, at work, in class, and at the place I was staying. I couldn't keep food down for weeks. I lost ten, twenty, then thirty pounds. I missed my ex and I wanted to go back home, no matter how unhealthy home was. I needed love and protection. I had to crawl out of the hole where I spent my days. I went to the clinic on my school's campus and had a breakdown in the doctor's office, told her everything that had happened and about how I thought I was losing my mind. She sent me home with medication and advice to see a therapist. I took the medicine, booked extra appointments with my therapist, and slowly felt better and better. I got my appetite back, ended the semester with all A's, found the energy to get a weekend job working with the public (for some MUCH needed social interaction), started seeing my friends and family more, and decided it was time to take the 30 pounds I lost as a result of heartache and turn it into the catalyst for a new commitment to my health.

This blog is about tracking my progress both in body and mind. It's also about staying accountable, although surprisingly I haven't missed a gym day that I didn't make up for almost immediately. I'm using an app called Bod Bot, which touts itself as a personal trainer, nutritionist, and coach for free (although you have to pay for the meal plans). I'm seeing and feeling changes in my body. There are still days where I don't think I can make it through all the tasks and obligations without crying or crumbling in confusion, anger, frustration, anxiety, or sadness (or a mixture of all of these feelings). But workout by workout, day by day, goal by goal, and commitment by commitment, I get stronger and happier. Gaining confidence and healing from decades of low self esteem and poor mental and physical health (depression, surviving sexual assault, addiction, anxiety, a brain tumor...) has not been been a linear process. It's scattered, powerful, and messy as hell. But I'm doing this for me and I WILL succeed.

This is my first gym selfie after 27 pounds difference in weight from two months ago until last Friday (183 lbs to 156 lbs) and two weeks of weight lifting and cardio. I will continue to post photos of progress (which I am not measuring by weight lost since muscle adds weight) in inches lost off my waist, clothing size, and by appearance. I won't be happy until I have abs! :P

From March 16th until today I went from a 36 inch waist line to a 31 inch waist line and from a size 12 pant-size to a size 10.